It's been about a week now since I've stated my aspiration to keep a watch on my honesty and modes of conversation; how have I been doing?
Pleasantly, I haven't been doing too badly with my violations. Only every now and then do I give myself a slash mark, so I consider myself doing rather well. To my own perspective I think this makes me outwardly dull given my current development, but I think honesty is the first necessary requirement on the road to developing a flavorful self. Faking it may make for a more entertaining appearance in the short-term, but it would deprive me of achieving something so much more richer in the future.
Besides, I think I'm starting to see signs that this emphasis on honesty is actually improving both my sense of life and is making it more explicit. The best gestures of personality are the spontaneous and involuntary ones. In some instances I've felt a burst of emotion that I cannot help but display in a somewhat dramatic way.
This self-improvement venture may even be affecting my dreams. Recently I had a dream that me and a celebrity (Jason Alexander, "George" from Seinfeld) were running for our lives from assassins who wanted to kill us. Throughout its entirety I felt an authentic concern for the celebrity's life and refused to depart from him even as it increased my own chances of being killed. I was never once impressed with the person's celebrity status despite being aware of it the whole time, as I was only concerned with making sure his life was protected as well as mine; I even kept pace with his running even though I am much more fit than him. Given that I didn't know it was a dream and that I felt authentic emotion towards this man's well-being while believing myself in mortal danger, I consider this rather telling of my emotional nature. (It's a particularly striking dream since I perceived it as being my longest one ever at about 30-45 minutes, though who knows what that translates to in real-world time.)
Though this is not to say I'm out of the woods yet; work still must be done, so I'll continue to maintain my tracking practices in my notepad. Perhaps I might keep a tally of my honesty as a permanent practice even after I choose to reduce emphasis on value-oriented conversations. I'll continue on as I am now, to continue reinforcing this awareness into my everyday life.
The continuation of my Project may be holding me back from experiencing the full-effects of these practices, but, again, it's never a bad day to improve your life.
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