Weekly Summary 10/29/10 - 11/4/10

An overall good week, though again I could do more in exerting myself at being productive. I relaxed on Saturday and Sunday in addition to going to work (which isn't really work to my experience), and during the week I managed to complete the second chapter of The Logical Leap, completing six conceptual exercises, and read approximately half of the thirteenth chapter of The Journals of Ayn Rand, but I didn't get to Good Calories, Bad Calories since Thursday was so full of chores, driving, and other neglected things. Shame on me for continuing to neglect my studies, but I cannot bring myself to feel guilt since I'm too much enjoying the peace of mind away from being frantically worried about the Circumstance. My inner state, really, is tremendously more important than my outer one at this point given the plain misery I've been enduring for the past few years. There have been some interesting bits of information I've heard recently that could have a significant impact for the better on my project, so perhaps I'm right to feel comforted.

At the very least I should recognize that I should be somewhat disturbed that I've been taking too much of a carefree attitude these past weeks regarding my efforts. I am relaxed and more at peace, but things aren't getting done! Then again -- perhaps just enough is getting done. Maybe the problem is that, in addition to my suppressions, I've been pushing myself too hard under the stressful circumstances (lower case c) and needed all along to balance my work and play with a different ratio. Or maybe I've finally exhausted my stress through my therapetic rubberducking? I honestly still don't fully understand the nature of my current state of consciousness. I need to continue with my introspection in this vein and see if I can gain a better understanding of the essential attributes of what I'm experiencing now and utilize it towards making myself more productive.

Generally, my current state is that I've been thinking about my values, like chocolate and my writing chocolate reviews, in exchange for being largely emotionally unaffected by the Circumstance. I haven't been very intellectually engaged with my study subjects, but I have been concentrating on introspecting the nature of my emotions while at work and treating people with a more benevolent attitude. My recreation and work life have certainly been improved by this shift in consciousness. If I can gain an understanding of what is going on then maybe I can use it to help maintain a peace of mind while putting forth serious effort towards my other goals where a lack of peace of mind has been the primary obstacle.

As tempting as it may be to do otherwise, I've come to realize that it's important for me to work only on the quantity of goals that are within my ability. Far too often I have been constantly adding more and more goals to concentrate on all at once, which has been stretching me thinner and thinner until the point is reached where my most serious goals are neglected. Building on recent posts, I think the most rational hierarchy to establish is to concentrate on maintaining and improving my current peaceful state of mind, and to work on maintaining a consistent level of productivity. I think I can also work on my lovability goal as well, since that entails merely keeping a tally of my honesty and conversation topics. Beyond that, nothing should be added. I need to maintain the strictest focus on these goals since they are the most essential to my well-being and ability to pursue other goals in life. Aside from introspection, I think the best methods are to continue on with my rubberducking and keep tabs on how I'm constantly changing my to-do lists.

As for my goals this week, I'll keep it mild again in order to make room for emphasis on my self-improvement measures: One section of every study subject. Throughout I'll work to maintain introspection on my emotional nature, particularly during my walks; exert myself at rubberducking, and continuing to work on trusting my to-do lists. It may be little, but perhaps just what's needed.

I'm not sure as to whether or not I'm getting any closer to getting my Project finished, but I'd certainly like to think so. There are some positive signs in that direction, but not definitive ones. It could be a few weeks or a few months still. Whatever the case, I'll continue to strive for the ideal self in the meanwhile.