An Intermission of Relief?

It is very confusing to me, but for some odd reason my mind has been virtually cleared of the Circumstance for the past several days since last week. A long ongoing problem I've been tracking on this blog is that while I'm engaged in my Project I tend to have trouble keeping my mind off the Circumstance during my other pursuits, which has resulted in a lot of discontentment and interference. The problem has been exacerbated ever since my Project entered its waiting phase since I can no longer at present busy myself with physical steps towards my goal, so my subconscious has been encouraging me to think of solutions to my problem and I've been frustrated by constant dead ends and thought repetitions. That my mind is clear and that it has lasted for several days is unusual.

In the past week or so I have had a specific experience which may explain my mental clarity, but I cannot elaborate on it due to its relation to my Project, so unfortunately I'll have to start reasoning without fully revealing my entire context of premises. I apologize for putting such a burden on you by expecting you to take my words for granted, but again I promise to write an extensive blog post on my Project and Circumstance after everything is all done and finished. Anyhow, I think the experience I had worked to refute some constant worries I have been maintaining about the Circumstance by providing some much needed concretes to refute my generalization. My view of the essential attributes of the Circumstance remains unchanged; it is just my view about the consistent concrete attributes of the Circumstance that has been uprooted. In short, I've been thinking that things are much worse for me than they actually are and that my Project was a rather risky proposition needing absolute secrecy, but I see more clearly now that the majority of the problem is within my own consciousness and that my Project is a lot less risky than I thought. There are still consequences to prematurely revealing what it is, necessitating continued secrecy, but it isn't dire as I thought and I needn't be paranoid about its enactment.

Consequently, my mind has been very clear, calm, and concentrated on my values. Granted, this has not translated into productivity -- I still need to up my efforts and strengthen my concentration -- but I have been enjoying my life much more deeply even in idleness. Even better, my pursuit of developing a more lovable personality has been greatly assisted by my healthier sense of life since my personal displays have been assisted by my emotions living up to the substance I'm trying to present. I have been treating my coworkers much more warmly and with greater concern, and the clearer mindset has been greatly assisting my performance and keeping me focused on just how well I enjoy my work. Going to work has been a very consistent joy as of late and has been the highlight of my days.

However, I confess to being very suspicious about this clarity. A significant problem I identified a few weeks ago is that I had long been unaware that I was suppressing my emotions and thoughts regarding the Circumstance, which resulted in vicious cycles in which I would be able to happily pursue my goals for a short while before my suppressions broke free and I was depressed and obsessed with the Circumstance. Such cycling has been happening for such a long time that I can't help but view this contentment as yet another go around the track, so I'm worried that another crash could be inevitable shortly, though my self-awareness could prevent it. As stated above, I don't fully understand the nature of my mental calmness right now, so there's still the chance that I could identify some attribute(s) that will allow me to further identify how to sustain this state of being. If I do learn how to sustain it then it'll go a long way in helping me pursue my other goals while my Project is still in place and to enjoy my life to a much greater extent, as well as make me generally more potent and competent since the Circumstance would be less able to mentally hinder me.

In addition to the identification of my mental calmness, I have also learned that anxiety has been the central emotional difficulty I've been dealing with consistently throughout my dealings with the Circumstance. I learned this by integrating the essential attribute between compulsive behaviors I have been displaying at random intervals: overeating, over-hydrating, impulse purchasing, difficult breathing, and compulsive thinking about the Circumstance. It was hard to make the identification since most of these behaviors have never happened concurrently with one another and were significantly spaced out in regards to times in which they showed up, but when I noticed that I was quelling and suffering the same behaviors over and over again I learned that the emotional state giving rise to such was the same: anxiety. Since I didn't know it was anxiety at time I was prone to suffering the same behaviors over and over again, and it's taken me these repeated experiences to learn of their essential attribute. Now that I'm aware of it I should have more power to control and conquer them, though the behavior of compulsive thinking may be the most difficult; for that last I think I'll need to recite my estimate of the recent experience I had whenever negative thoughts rise up.

As to why I experienced these anxious behaviors to begin with, I think my subconscious is trying to find some sort of satisfaction for the pent up stress I'm experiencing and is resultantly encouraging me to engage in certain actions it knows have been pleasurable in the past. It knows eating can be pleasurable, for instance, and so has encouraged me to take in extra food I didn't need with the fallacious hope that it would somehow give me pleasure and relief, even though it only led to me being overstuffed. It also knows that I have enjoyed purchasing some things in the past, and so sometimes I have panic attacks in the grocery store when trying to decide whether to purchase a certain item or not. And so on. Luckily, none of these behaviors has led to long-term consequences like the depletion of my savings or weight gain, but they are nonetheless harmful and need to be controlled regardless of how mild they are. Besides, it's the anxiety component in all the behaviors that's leading to the misery.

For the present I'm going to keep a strict watch on my mental processes and will work to exert myself in my rubberducking to monitor myself and tackle any unseemly attributes before they have to chance to grow into anything significant. I believe that this calmness can be sustained as long as I keep my identification of the recent experience in mind and identify any negative tendencies before they have a chance to develop, but I am nonetheless suspicious about the longevity of my current situation. In the meanwhile, I also need to work to develop a consistency in my ability to be productive.

Overall, I think my hierarchy of goals as of current should be developing healthy coping habits while I'm dealing with the Circumstance, maintaining a consistent level of productivity in regards to my goals, becoming more politically active, nurturing a lovable self, and then after my Project working on becoming a chef (perhaps getting into chocolate?) and getting into a better culture. It's been a very difficult journey since I've started my Project way back in March, but I'm still making progress and refuse to resign myself to discontent idleness in the meanwhile. However many lapses I make I'll continue judging and readjusting myself, and will gain a great victory after the everything is finished. Saying it'll be worthwhile in the end doesn't even begin to do it justice.