Friday, October 8, 2010

Study Summary 10/1/10 -10/7/10

As some of you might be able to predict from my earlier post, this week has been horrible. Not only were my to-do lists largely neglected, but I also failed to achieve the majority of my goals this week. I only managed to complete one chapter of Good Calories, Bad Calories and The Journals of Ayn Rand, and only about half of the first chapter of The Logical Leap; I also completed the requisite number of posts for this blog and succeeded in keeping my discipline about my logging into Facebook and Twitter. All other goals, about three or four, have gone uncompleted. The greatest shame, however, is how I kept adding to my to-do lists while decreasing my level of activity.

Though as harsh as this may sound upon myself, I feel no active guilt. Building on today's earlier post, the problem is psychological: I'm having difficulty dealing with repressions that I think may be inevitable of the situation I'm in. I'm fully aware of the problem, am taking responsibility for it, and am actively working to solve it. I may have been largely neglecting other portions of my life, but mental health is primary, so I shouldn't (and don't) feel guilt about dedicating most of my time to this issue rather than to other pursuits. My other pursuits would probably be useless and unfruitful anyhow since I would be so distracted. First I'll tackle the essential problems in my life and then work on the lesser essentials.

The only positive productive benefit I've seen this week is how my attitude towards writing has changed since I decided to reduce my posting schedule from five-six posts to four. Not only does writing seem less like a burden -- a burden since I am trying to become a cook, not a writer -- but I am also more relaxed in editing the posts I write. Previously I was absolutely paranoid about being a perfectionist in my editing, which was discomforting, but I've relaxed to the point where I can get my editing done in just a couple readings and be okay with the product I end up with. I shouldn't have been so worried previously: This is just a blog. Certainly you won't hang me over a typo, won't you? I definitely try to do the best I can, but to be so strict was stressful and time-consuming. I like how blogging less has relaxed me and put me more at ease with my writing, so I think I'll continue this practice next week as well. Of course, I won't bar myself from constructing additional posts beyond what I promise, but I'm simply dedicating myself to fewer.

Next week I'm going to put the emphasis on "self therapy" rather than on my other pursuits. The other pursuits will be there of course, but I'd like to make the pursuit of my mental health more primary for the time being. Mental health, in my context, means being more relaxed and at peace in the rather frustrating, anti-valuable situation I'm currently in. The self therapy, for now, will consist solely of my rubberducking with my Bowser bobblehead statue. I tried a few more times to talk to it about what's bothering me about the Circumstance and it's making my mind absurdly clear. So clear, in fact, that for the first time in years I've been able to enjoy small periods having no mental activity whatsoever. Why is this so effective? However it works, I want to keep using it. I think I'll make it a practice to carry the statue with me in the car to talk to while I drive, particularly to and from work. You'll be kept posted.

As for my other goals, I'll mainly employ the same as last week since I largely failed to complete them, with one change: I'll let the Facebook/Twitter habits be a given. I'm not having any problems, so I think I can just let my promise be subconscious now. Explicitly, my study goals are to complete two chapters of GCBC, one of Journals, and one of Logical Leap. As for everything else, I'll also strive to complete two entries for my specialized entrepreneur journal, maintain the writing pace here, and some other goals I'd like to keep secret for now due to their relation to the Project.

This week may have been a pathetic letdown, but there's always time to get back on the horse again, and I am. I hope to have my psychological issues licked soon since it's interfering with my other goals, especially that of developing a more lovable personality (my coworkers definitely noticed a change in my behavior during my last shift), so if I fail to accomplish all my other goals, I hope to at least direct that energy towards rubberducking. It's all hard work, but there's a life to be gained on the other side.

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