Friday, October 29, 2010

Weekly Summary 10/22/10 to 10/28/10

Yet another bad week in regards to productivity, especially studying, but with the very happy bright side of my having learned a lot, identifying essential questions and realizing I made some errors. This will probably be my easiest weekly summary to construct since I did so little in the way of tackling my formal list: I completed one chapter of The Journals of Ayn Rand. I also sunk my teeth into The Logical Leap, but had somewhat a difficult time both in concentrating and progressing smoothly, but I did hold an interest in the subject. In all honesty I'm not all that sure what I did this week; I'm so used to having everything tracked out formally on my lists that my constant neglect has made my activities forgettable, though I did not idle; I just did something I didn't write down.

The bright side is that I've been very intensely contemplative this week and got some good thinking done. Not only did I make some good advancement on some intellectual issues, but I also learned that I hadn't truly retrogressed in my ability to concentrate as I originally thought, as previously indicated by my seeming inability to concentrate on my studies. I notice that when I'm writing, especially writing long pieces privately to others about my Project, I'm able to sustain my concentration rock solid with a minimum of daydreaming. Also, when I tried to engage in one of my study subjects this week I noticed that I got absorbed in thought for nearly two hours straight. Granted, I wasn't doing thinking about my study subject, but I wasn't really dwelling on the Circumstance or daydreaming either: I had come upon a contemplative mood that initiated a state of effortless concentration in me. I practically stared at the wall for that two hours.

What this tells me is that there's something wrong with the nature of my pursuits rather than there being a retrogression in my ability to concentrate. I mentioned a little while ago that I thought that my distaste for my studying was a result of my detaching abstractions from the material portions of my life, and I think my decline in productivity this week can be explained by that growing distaste. Since no true solution has been found such pursuits continue to be viewed by my subconscious as empty mental strain, and I am accordingly inwardly encouraged to do something else.

It could also be the case that my subconscious has integrated my hierarchy of goals, and since it sees the Circumstance as hindering or making impossible the rest of my hierarchy I am encouraged to pull out the weed before moving on. It may sound odd, but it seems like the harder I work to continue on with my life while still dealing with the Circumstance, the bigger a concern the Circumstance becomes to me. In other words, the harder I work to pursue my values the more aware I become as to how the Circumstance interferes with achieving those values. Let's use an metaphor. Let's say -- and this is fantasy mind you -- that the back bumper on your car has partially fallen off and is dragging along the road. It is impossible in your context to call and have your car towed, so you have to make the effort yourself to travel to the repair shop, and, worse yet, you have to make several stops before you get there. Can you imagine as to how maddeningly annoying that screeching scraping against the road would be as you tried to live your life dealing with it for the moment? And what would happen if you tried traveling to your destinations at a faster pace? The screeching would only get worse! The only remedy is the repair shop, which is unfortunately in this metaphor miles away and must come at the end of a series of other stops.

I can't really tell you in what specific ways the Circumstance interferes with my life lest I reveal the Project, but I can give my studying as an example. Although mild, the Circumstance does in a way physically interfere with my studies. It has done so much so in that past that I have been trained like Pavlov's dogs to expect it. Worse yet, the harder I try to study the more I fear being interrupted. Even worse, the harder I study the more aware I become as to how the Circumstance interferes with my learning in general. It's like my subconscious is telling me "Now this studying is important, but let's get that cumbersome Circumstance out of the way and then we'll worry about induction." Such would be positively logical instructions to follow if it weren't for the fact that I'm in the waiting period of my Project.

Now that I think about it, I realize that my sense of life was much better right when my Project started, despite the fact I was still dealing with the Circumstance in the worst ways. The difference between then and now is that I was doing something physically in regards to dealing with the Circumstance permanently. My consciousness was filled to the brim with thoughts about how wonderful the results of my Project will be, not how terrible the Circumstance currently is. Such physical activity, in one way or another, lasted for a few good months until I had finally advanced forward in my Project enough that I now have little else to do except wait for the final phase -- and deal with the Circumstance in the meanwhile. Consequently, I think I'm stuck in the conundrum where my subconscious keeps encouraging me to do something about the Circumstance but I keep realizing consciously that there's nothing that can be done at the moment. Hindersome!

But that's no excuse, just an obstacle to be overcome. The question is: How can I arrange my pursuits to be directed in the most productive way while at the same time avoiding awareness as to how the Circumstance interferes? Or should I just struggle and endure the frustration in the meanwhile? I don't have an answer right now, and I think perhaps this week should be dedicated towards finding that answer. Thus I am somewhat loosely dedicating myself, again, to completing one section of each study subject, and that's in addition to the current section I'm on in TLL since I've advanced so far in the current chapter. Also, I'm discarding my math practices since it currently has no material relevance to my life right now and because I get way too horribly fidgety when trying to do them, probably due to their being detached abstractions.

I really don't know what other kind of goals I should make in addition. Should I perhaps emphasize my creative writing here? As noted above, I've had no trouble maintaining my concentration and motivation in keeping up with my writing, whereas I am in my reading. I'll dedicate myself to my normal pace, though perhaps I'll direct myself towards some introspective posts regarding what I've learned about my emotions in dealing with the Circumstance and the nature of healthy relationships. But still that doesn't constitute living a *full* week, so perhaps I should write more? Add yet another goal? More thinking needs to be done. What I'd most like to accomplish is to get back to trusting my to-do lists again and consulting them for activities.

God this all frustrating. It seems that since I'm unable to satisfy the fundamental need that the Circumstance has caused to arise it is consequently causing other negative behaviors to result. Luckily there haven't been any long-term consequences, but among the behaviors are constantly thinking about the Circumstance, anxiously overeating, anxiously over-hydrating, and anxiety-induced breathing problems. To my knowledge, they have only surfaced one at a time, never concurrently. It's like the conquering of one behavior merely leads to another one to surface, like how pressing out bubbles in an automobile's body can cause it to merely transfer to another location. Throughout all the fundamental cause is untouched.

Although this is all difficult, I think the solution lies in going back to my fundamental considerations and going from there, like how I'm arranging my life around the Circumstance. I will persevere.

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