We Are What We Repeatedly Do

Several months ago I wrote on the phenomenon of living one's life in disconnection, which means living in such a way as to not allow actions to accumulate into a sum (and therefore give reason for passing moral judgment on that sum). The main example I had cited was a time I was unjustifiably yelled at for maintaining my nutritional standards, in which the offender was confused about my consequent hostility despite his irrational behavior having happened just moments previously. I realize now that there's another aspect to this kind of mentality, one I would call filtering the negative in order to reach selectively constructed sums.

Last week while I was at work I had the uncomfortable experience of being confronted by a past associate whom I absolutely detest. He is a deplorable character, as he's slovenly and intensely driven by his emotions. At the times in which I had to deal with him I was very tense, as he was often in a very negative mood which would make him uncomfortable to deal with. On some occasions he would be openly malicious, and at one point stated out loud that he wished one of my other associates, an actual friend, would get "electrified" by a microphone he was handling, implying that he wished death on him. His estimates of various people were constantly changing due to his mood swings, so he was ultimately a very terrible person to deal with. Even when driven to act benevolently on the basis of a good mood I could not enjoy his company since my moral evaluation of his being dictated by emotions. When he disassociated from me and other people it was a wonderful thing, and the workplace atmosphere has never been better since.

When he returned for a visit, however, the tensity immediately returned. While he was driven by a benevolent mood at the moment, I again could only treat him with the barest civility considering his emotionally-driven nature. He can certainly redeem himself by introspecting, identifying, and altering his vices, but he had provided no evidence that he had done so, which leaves my negative moral evaluation intact. He was around only briefly, but it was once again satisfying to see him leave. One scene that sticks out in my mind was witnessing him speak on a very friendly basis with someone who he had mistreated in the past; the person acted like no wrong had been committed. I still think fondly of that particular associate, but this incident gave me fuel for abstracting from the case.

Humans, as a species, are value-oriented. We want to live life in a way that gives us pleasure and joy, not pain and suffering. Even people who explicitly believe otherwise are still value-oriented in some way; masochists themselves have a psychological mechanism that makes them interpret certain forms of pain as a form of pleasure. Absolutely no one wants to live on the basis of anti-values, especially when dealing with other people.

Unfortunately, I think this value-orientation could lead to a natural inclination to a coping mechanism -- one that everyone can be naturally prone to, but alter -- as a way of dealing with certain anti-values. In the incident cited above, I think some people in regards to relationships will filter out the negative aspects of people in order to maintain a positive sum in mind and therefore allow themselves to continue dealing with those that are essentially bad. If a person consists of 9/10 vice, then other people might filter this fraction so that they view the 1/10 virtue/amorality as the person's essential character and therefore be able to continue bearing them. If the 9/10 of vice were kept in mind a person would either be unable to allow themselves to continue dealing with the bad person or would have to drastically alter their behavior towards them.

I think this is more along the lines of a common innocent error rather than vicious evasion. Humans naturally want to eliminate or minimize anti-values to the best extent that they can, so this psychological maneuver is but one way of doing that. It is not a healthy thing to do, however. Regardless of however intensely a person concentrates on the 1/10 virtue/amorality that they see in a person, it is the 9/10 that will compose the essence of the relationship and will dictate the overwhelming majority of the experiences one has with such a bad person.

I've seen some rather pathetic cases where this mentality has led to some rather sad results. I once had a friend who had an emotionally deficient and potentially abusive boyfriend. His emotional needs consistently dictated the essence of their relationship, and she was consistently stressed by it. However, on occasion did she enjoy his company, so it was on those rare moments that she concentrated on and used to derive the sum of the relationship, despite the fact that the sum was quite to the contrary. As a result she maintained a relationship that was objectively harmful for longer than it was worth. In another case I know this parent who has a child who has been incredibly malicious and self-destructive throughout his life and has caused little else but grief to the parent. The evil elements in the child way over dominate the slightly bearable elements, and so has been overwhelmingly frustrating to deal with. However, in rare moments does the child achieve a state of indifference and short-term amorality, so on this basis the parent has derived the essence of his relationship to the child and has continued dealing with him. Pathetically, the parent has maintained this mentality towards the child for several decades and has spent a virtual lifetime of suffering the malicious outbreaks.

While this filtration mechanism may allow us to "bear" a particular person's vices it will not bring us one step closer to happiness. Despite all your concentration on the "good" it will be the vice that you will experience and suffer the majority of the time, and in the long-run that will amount to wasted time that could have been spent dealing with better people or in more worthwhile pursuits. To achieve happiness and to deal with good people, we must exert ourselves to allow a person's actions to form a sum and to judge and treat him accordingly. It may be tempting at times to ignore or "forgive and forget" some negative actions, but that would be immorally dropping the context on what composes a particular person's entire character. Judge the whole person all the time.

One of my favorite sayings in this regard, one that drives both my pursuits in life and dealings with other people, is by Aristotle: "We are what we repeatedly do."

More Obtainable New Tree Chocolates

You know New Tree chocolates? I've spoken very fondly of them many times here on this blog, but have cited as their primary vice that they're way too expensive to encourage regular consumption of, so while I'm itching to give some varieties a just review I have been abstaining from purchasing them. New Tree does have its own online store through which is sells its products, but everything is very expensive and the baseline shipping rate is $9.95! To boot, the store can be a little glitchy and confusing, such as how the front page measures its prices in the different currency, so I wouldn't make a purchase there without contacting a service representative and making doubly sure everything went through fine.

Happily, I have found there is another option. Amazon.com has restocked on several varieties and many of them automatically qualify for free shipping. Additionally, the large bars here only cost $1.49 per ounce, whereas from New Tree's website they cost $1.95 per ounce! Buying in bulk here will save fifteen dollars!

I give my strongest recommendations for the 73% ginger and 73% mint varieties, which are my personal favorites. I plan on giving each of these their own review, but I'm going to have to start saving up first, so it'll be in the distant future. More likely, however, is that I'll go ahead and make a more expensive purchase from New Tree's home website since not all varieties are available on Amazon. The bulk ginger and mint is definitely something worth saving up for nonetheless.

As much time as I've spent talking about how great these bars are, I'm glad they're finally being sold at a more reasonable price.

Green & Black's Differing Product Lines?

For some reason Green and Black's chocolate has been on my mind this past weekend, so I thought to take it upon myself to investigate their website to see if I've missed anything I might like to try. I may not be shopping right now -- I have a significant wave of chocolates scheduled to be shipped to me -- but I'm always open to looking for things to add to my wish list. While looking around I found something perplexing.

Apparently G&B's offers significantly different product lines depending on what country they're selling in. Some varieties are only available in one country and not another, and sometimes the same variety is produced differently across borders. To cite some examples, the milk butterscotch variety isn't available in the US and the dark espresso variety has a cocoa content of 67% for the US and 70% for the UK. Why such differences?

Most importantly, however, I have found that their dark mint variety is 70% cocoa in the UK! I love mint! I feel gipped by not having access to this particular version, as I think it has the potential to become one of my favorites. I have had the 60% version they offer here in the US, but while I think the mint intensity is perfect the low cocoa content makes it too sweet for my taste. Just a little bit less sweet and I'd find it the best chocolate in the world.

I wonder why G&B's has decided to sell their products in such a fashion. Have they conducted studies which has given them evidence as to which varieties a particular audience will favor most? Connoisseur that I am, I wish they would at least establish some sort of international online store which would allow for costumers to purchase the varieties they have the least access to; that mint bar is a cruel deprivation. 

It makes me wonder whether other chocolate companies are holding out...

Weekly Summary 10/29/10 - 11/4/10

An overall good week, though again I could do more in exerting myself at being productive. I relaxed on Saturday and Sunday in addition to going to work (which isn't really work to my experience), and during the week I managed to complete the second chapter of The Logical Leap, completing six conceptual exercises, and read approximately half of the thirteenth chapter of The Journals of Ayn Rand, but I didn't get to Good Calories, Bad Calories since Thursday was so full of chores, driving, and other neglected things. Shame on me for continuing to neglect my studies, but I cannot bring myself to feel guilt since I'm too much enjoying the peace of mind away from being frantically worried about the Circumstance. My inner state, really, is tremendously more important than my outer one at this point given the plain misery I've been enduring for the past few years. There have been some interesting bits of information I've heard recently that could have a significant impact for the better on my project, so perhaps I'm right to feel comforted.

At the very least I should recognize that I should be somewhat disturbed that I've been taking too much of a carefree attitude these past weeks regarding my efforts. I am relaxed and more at peace, but things aren't getting done! Then again -- perhaps just enough is getting done. Maybe the problem is that, in addition to my suppressions, I've been pushing myself too hard under the stressful circumstances (lower case c) and needed all along to balance my work and play with a different ratio. Or maybe I've finally exhausted my stress through my therapetic rubberducking? I honestly still don't fully understand the nature of my current state of consciousness. I need to continue with my introspection in this vein and see if I can gain a better understanding of the essential attributes of what I'm experiencing now and utilize it towards making myself more productive.

Generally, my current state is that I've been thinking about my values, like chocolate and my writing chocolate reviews, in exchange for being largely emotionally unaffected by the Circumstance. I haven't been very intellectually engaged with my study subjects, but I have been concentrating on introspecting the nature of my emotions while at work and treating people with a more benevolent attitude. My recreation and work life have certainly been improved by this shift in consciousness. If I can gain an understanding of what is going on then maybe I can use it to help maintain a peace of mind while putting forth serious effort towards my other goals where a lack of peace of mind has been the primary obstacle.

As tempting as it may be to do otherwise, I've come to realize that it's important for me to work only on the quantity of goals that are within my ability. Far too often I have been constantly adding more and more goals to concentrate on all at once, which has been stretching me thinner and thinner until the point is reached where my most serious goals are neglected. Building on recent posts, I think the most rational hierarchy to establish is to concentrate on maintaining and improving my current peaceful state of mind, and to work on maintaining a consistent level of productivity. I think I can also work on my lovability goal as well, since that entails merely keeping a tally of my honesty and conversation topics. Beyond that, nothing should be added. I need to maintain the strictest focus on these goals since they are the most essential to my well-being and ability to pursue other goals in life. Aside from introspection, I think the best methods are to continue on with my rubberducking and keep tabs on how I'm constantly changing my to-do lists.

As for my goals this week, I'll keep it mild again in order to make room for emphasis on my self-improvement measures: One section of every study subject. Throughout I'll work to maintain introspection on my emotional nature, particularly during my walks; exert myself at rubberducking, and continuing to work on trusting my to-do lists. It may be little, but perhaps just what's needed.

I'm not sure as to whether or not I'm getting any closer to getting my Project finished, but I'd certainly like to think so. There are some positive signs in that direction, but not definitive ones. It could be a few weeks or a few months still. Whatever the case, I'll continue to strive for the ideal self in the meanwhile.

Chocolate Review: Dagoba Superfruit (74% Cacao)

Acai and goji berries are quite delicious fruits. Acai berries offer a smooth and comforting form of sweetness while goji berries offer a citrusy tartness reminiscent of oranges and cranberries. It is irrelevant to me as to whether or not these are the "super fruits" they're often touted to be; I just think they're delicious and deserve to be widely appreciated. Dagoba's Superfruit bar, then, is a chocolate certainly worthy of my attention.

Now I've already reviewed Beaucoup Berries and would ordinarily take package aesthetics for granted since they're usually consistent throughout a brand's whole line -- the only difference is that this wrapper is purple -- but I have noticed one defect I hadn't before. Irritatingly enough, the inner foil is caught between the flaps of the outer packaging paper, so if you try to just take off the label you'll end up unwrapping the whole chocolate bar anyhow. Given that Dagoba leaves messages inside its wrappers this is annoying, as someone may just want to read the writing inside and might accidentally make the chocolate bar fall out. Whether or not this is intentional is unknown to me, but I hope they remedy it in the future.

The bar itself is not unattractive, but it does lack even the least bit of shine, even worse than Theo. Theo, on the other hand, had at least a very dull glimmer, and this Dagoba variety can hardly reflect a simple light source. It also has a color inconsistency where certain parts of the bar are lighter than other parts, most noticeably on the bottom, and together it works to give this bar an almost chocolately purple hue. The mathematical neatness of the rectangle divisions and fancy font branding on each divisible part makes up for it, however, and still serves to be quite an attractive bar despite these unfavorable shine and color characteristics.

One difficulty I mentioned with the Beaucoup Berries bar is that the rectangles are far too small to break off without causing undesirable fissures, but at the time I thought that maybe I was being too rough and the problem was with my technique. Well, I tried being extra careful with this bar and I still ran into the problem of breaking off irregular pieces despite my wanting clean rectangles. For anyone who likes sharing, eating their chocolate in mathematically measured amounts, or simply likes eating bars in their intended division parts will have a problem, but this won't bother any of those who bite right off the bar, especially considering since this only comes in a single-serving size. As for me, it doesn't bother me too much since I'm eating the whole bar anyways and will cleanly divide the chocolate by sticking my incisors in the division fissures.

The mouthfeel offers the same wonderful contrast I enjoyed in the Beaucoup Berries bar: a softly crumbly sort of crunchy chocolate texture with an inconsistently incorporated gooey-sticky-squishy berry texture whenever you should happen into a fruit. The variety of textures keeps the eating interesting since you can't anticipate the mouthfeel of any bite, so while Dagoba's conching process may deprive their bars of a good shine it certainly leads to a distinguishable and pleasurable mouthfeel.

The flavor profile itself is awesome, but unfortunately it doesn't do true justice to the goji berry. The acai berry is blended in as a powder, so its flavor is present throughout the entirety of the bar whereas the goji berries and currant raisins are integrated inconsistently as pieces of dried fruit. You'll taste the acai the entire time, but not the other two players. The effect the acai has on the chocolate is very subtle and will require your attention to notice, but taking such effort to concentrate will reward you with a taste you might otherwise not experience. Strangely enough, the acai seems to have attributes of other fruits: a hint of blueberries and raisins. Acai berries are quite unique in their flavor profile and hard to describe, but I think this is what comes close to describing it. The attributes here can be clearly distinguished only with exertion of the concentration, and those who take the time will be rewarded with flavors that play well together without necessarily fusing.

The currants and goji, while contributing greatly to the overall mouthfeel, don't do much for the flavor profile. I haven't eaten currants separately before, so I wouldn't know what they taste like, but I could distinguish them from the reddish-orange goji berries and therefore could observe when a currant was in the next bite or not. Most likely is that they contribute to the raisin note, but I don't really know or get a strong impression of anything, so my conclusion is that it merely heightens a flavor note already there and is therefore hard to distinguish on its own. The orange-cranberry tartness is quite noticeable whenever you get one of those goji berries, but it seems strangely absent in this bar. When I decided to keep track, I could only count two goji berries in the whole bar, so I think this goji to currants ratio problem definitely needs to be fixed.

Considering the flavor in total, the acai berry seems to have found a throne in this bar, but the goji and currant fruits still have yet to receive their justice. In comparison to other competitors (Endangered Species uses acai here and goji here, but both varieties are very terrible) this variety is a world above, but I still desire to see each berry to be given their very own bar with no one else to hog the stage, or at least to see acai and goji berries combined with no other flavor players. Such is something I'll keep on my wish list and look for in the market, but for now it seems that this is the best offering.

Ultimately I like this bar -- I like it a lot. Definitely worth both eating and purchasing again, and I bought three the last time I made a purchase on Lucky Vitamin. It enters my "like" list, but not my top favorites and so will not be something I would purchase in bulk, like Endangered Species' mint.

In summary, the bar has a strange color inconsistency and is too hard to break off in exactly the pieces you want, but makes up for it with a very soft, crumbly, crunchy mouthfeel. It has a very pleasantly complex flavor profile that does a great justice for acai berries but not quite so for the goji and currants. Each fruit, I think, is still deserving of its own bar, but I still like this bar enough to want to purchase it again. The only significant improvement I can think to call for is an increase in the amount of goji berries incorporated, as their tartness is noticeable but absent in the majority of bites. I recommend this chocolate.

An Intermission of Relief?

It is very confusing to me, but for some odd reason my mind has been virtually cleared of the Circumstance for the past several days since last week. A long ongoing problem I've been tracking on this blog is that while I'm engaged in my Project I tend to have trouble keeping my mind off the Circumstance during my other pursuits, which has resulted in a lot of discontentment and interference. The problem has been exacerbated ever since my Project entered its waiting phase since I can no longer at present busy myself with physical steps towards my goal, so my subconscious has been encouraging me to think of solutions to my problem and I've been frustrated by constant dead ends and thought repetitions. That my mind is clear and that it has lasted for several days is unusual.

In the past week or so I have had a specific experience which may explain my mental clarity, but I cannot elaborate on it due to its relation to my Project, so unfortunately I'll have to start reasoning without fully revealing my entire context of premises. I apologize for putting such a burden on you by expecting you to take my words for granted, but again I promise to write an extensive blog post on my Project and Circumstance after everything is all done and finished. Anyhow, I think the experience I had worked to refute some constant worries I have been maintaining about the Circumstance by providing some much needed concretes to refute my generalization. My view of the essential attributes of the Circumstance remains unchanged; it is just my view about the consistent concrete attributes of the Circumstance that has been uprooted. In short, I've been thinking that things are much worse for me than they actually are and that my Project was a rather risky proposition needing absolute secrecy, but I see more clearly now that the majority of the problem is within my own consciousness and that my Project is a lot less risky than I thought. There are still consequences to prematurely revealing what it is, necessitating continued secrecy, but it isn't dire as I thought and I needn't be paranoid about its enactment.

Consequently, my mind has been very clear, calm, and concentrated on my values. Granted, this has not translated into productivity -- I still need to up my efforts and strengthen my concentration -- but I have been enjoying my life much more deeply even in idleness. Even better, my pursuit of developing a more lovable personality has been greatly assisted by my healthier sense of life since my personal displays have been assisted by my emotions living up to the substance I'm trying to present. I have been treating my coworkers much more warmly and with greater concern, and the clearer mindset has been greatly assisting my performance and keeping me focused on just how well I enjoy my work. Going to work has been a very consistent joy as of late and has been the highlight of my days.

However, I confess to being very suspicious about this clarity. A significant problem I identified a few weeks ago is that I had long been unaware that I was suppressing my emotions and thoughts regarding the Circumstance, which resulted in vicious cycles in which I would be able to happily pursue my goals for a short while before my suppressions broke free and I was depressed and obsessed with the Circumstance. Such cycling has been happening for such a long time that I can't help but view this contentment as yet another go around the track, so I'm worried that another crash could be inevitable shortly, though my self-awareness could prevent it. As stated above, I don't fully understand the nature of my mental calmness right now, so there's still the chance that I could identify some attribute(s) that will allow me to further identify how to sustain this state of being. If I do learn how to sustain it then it'll go a long way in helping me pursue my other goals while my Project is still in place and to enjoy my life to a much greater extent, as well as make me generally more potent and competent since the Circumstance would be less able to mentally hinder me.

In addition to the identification of my mental calmness, I have also learned that anxiety has been the central emotional difficulty I've been dealing with consistently throughout my dealings with the Circumstance. I learned this by integrating the essential attribute between compulsive behaviors I have been displaying at random intervals: overeating, over-hydrating, impulse purchasing, difficult breathing, and compulsive thinking about the Circumstance. It was hard to make the identification since most of these behaviors have never happened concurrently with one another and were significantly spaced out in regards to times in which they showed up, but when I noticed that I was quelling and suffering the same behaviors over and over again I learned that the emotional state giving rise to such was the same: anxiety. Since I didn't know it was anxiety at time I was prone to suffering the same behaviors over and over again, and it's taken me these repeated experiences to learn of their essential attribute. Now that I'm aware of it I should have more power to control and conquer them, though the behavior of compulsive thinking may be the most difficult; for that last I think I'll need to recite my estimate of the recent experience I had whenever negative thoughts rise up.

As to why I experienced these anxious behaviors to begin with, I think my subconscious is trying to find some sort of satisfaction for the pent up stress I'm experiencing and is resultantly encouraging me to engage in certain actions it knows have been pleasurable in the past. It knows eating can be pleasurable, for instance, and so has encouraged me to take in extra food I didn't need with the fallacious hope that it would somehow give me pleasure and relief, even though it only led to me being overstuffed. It also knows that I have enjoyed purchasing some things in the past, and so sometimes I have panic attacks in the grocery store when trying to decide whether to purchase a certain item or not. And so on. Luckily, none of these behaviors has led to long-term consequences like the depletion of my savings or weight gain, but they are nonetheless harmful and need to be controlled regardless of how mild they are. Besides, it's the anxiety component in all the behaviors that's leading to the misery.

For the present I'm going to keep a strict watch on my mental processes and will work to exert myself in my rubberducking to monitor myself and tackle any unseemly attributes before they have to chance to grow into anything significant. I believe that this calmness can be sustained as long as I keep my identification of the recent experience in mind and identify any negative tendencies before they have a chance to develop, but I am nonetheless suspicious about the longevity of my current situation. In the meanwhile, I also need to work to develop a consistency in my ability to be productive.

Overall, I think my hierarchy of goals as of current should be developing healthy coping habits while I'm dealing with the Circumstance, maintaining a consistent level of productivity in regards to my goals, becoming more politically active, nurturing a lovable self, and then after my Project working on becoming a chef (perhaps getting into chocolate?) and getting into a better culture. It's been a very difficult journey since I've started my Project way back in March, but I'm still making progress and refuse to resign myself to discontent idleness in the meanwhile. However many lapses I make I'll continue judging and readjusting myself, and will gain a great victory after the everything is finished. Saying it'll be worthwhile in the end doesn't even begin to do it justice. 

A Career in Chocolate?

It should be no surprise to anyone by now to observe that I love chocolate. I do reviews on every Friday and it's often the subject of some posts earlier in the week. I may give off the impression of someone who constantly consumes chocolate everyday of every week, but the truth of the matter is that I enjoy it on an intellectual level. I watch my sweets, so if I choose to indulge in some other sweet item I'll often forgo chocolate for the day, and sometimes I go days without consuming any sweets at all. When I do choose chocolate I try to enjoy it in the slowest way possible, and the bars I enjoy most are the ones I buy for review purposes, even if I end up hating the variety. It's thoroughly enjoyable to think about chocolate: about a particular company's packaging, bar style, mouthfeel, flavor profile, and so on. It's not so much in the eating, but rather my being able to communicate my evaluation of the bar as a unified whole, from its edible characteristics to its wrapping foil. Even if there existed no way to profit from my reviews I would still keep doing them, as they've become a very rewarding hobby.

Though lately I've been taking to thinking about chocolate in ever greater amounts, and don't confuse this with the physiological act of daydreaming about foods you crave. I've come across some birthday money and have consequently been thinking about how to best spend it recreationally, and strangely enough chocolate is the dominant thing that comes to mind. Even more odd, I largely don't want to buy and restock on varieties I know I already like, but rather continue exploring and gain fodder for my reviews for weeks to come. Of course I'll buy some other things like nuts to make nut butter out of and perhaps dried fruit, but chocolate exploration is my biggest interest.

This makes me wonder: Could chocolate perhaps play a bigger role in my life than I'm giving it credit for? Given my culinary-oriented central purpose in life, is it possible that chocolate could be my desired culinary specialization? Should I pursue chocolate career-wise in any serious way? Or could it perhaps just be a culinary sub-interest, a hobby? Such are questions to contemplate over the coming weeks.

While the evidence I have provided to my readers and other people may make such an answer seem obvious, I think the context of my life obscures things. I, of course, an talking about the Project and the Circumstance. It's possible that my having to deal with the Circumstance is distorting my value perceptions in some way, making me concentrate on less-essential values while my most essential are unable to be satisfied for the time being. In another post I asserted that I could be becoming materialistic, for example, because my ability to satisfy myself spiritually is largely negated by the presence of the Circumstance. Could I be concentrating on chocolate out of mere stress?

Really, I don't think these questions are answerable right now. They might not be truly answerable until I'm on the other side of the Project and am observing the psychological benefits achieved. If I continue to concentrate with great emphasis on chocolate then I'll contemplate my career goals accordingly, but right now I suspect that my focus is a distortion resulting from the Circumstance. For now I'll wait and see.

And don't you forget there will be another chocolate review this Friday.