Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Ready to Compromise

I don't like it, but I think I'm ready to compromise on my Project. There's actually another means through which I could get my Project done much more easily and earlier, but I had been adamantly opposed to it this entire time. It contains a lot less quantitative risk than the other means I recently tried, but it's risk of a special kind, one that particularly frightens me. If my fear were to become realized, my Project would fail altogether and I'd have yet another Circumstance to complain about, so while I could have gotten my Project done several months ago through this means I have been thoroughly refusing to entertain it.

But I think I'm beyond fed up with dealing with the Circumstance I currently am. Since my last push to get my Project completed I noticed a change in my state of being: I'm more hostile, angry, and sometimes even malicious. It's hardly had any, if any, impact on my working life, so I seem to be developing -- in emotional, not moral, terms -- a Jekyll-Hyde complex where I treat with great benevolence the values of my life while I practically perpetually bear my teeth at the sole anti-value in my life: The Circumstance. I think my subconscious is most displeased with me: Contentment was returning to me since I had the tantalizing prospect of finally, at long last, getting the Circumstance out of my life after a several months long struggle and getting back to being absolutely absorbed in nothing but values, but when I found the means I wanted to employ is prohibited to me the Project's value was yanked away and the Circumstance became another loose end for my subconscious to deal with. I thought I might be able to bear this setback with grace and indifference, but I don't seem to be taking it well and the psychological consequences of continuing to deal with the Circumstance are worsening. Again I'm thinking constantly about it, and strangely enough the thing I think and daydream about the most is constructing the rough draft of the article about the specifics of my Project and the Circumstance; I so want to be on the other side of the Project so I can talk to you about all this, but alas, I might be stuck again unless I utilize this alternative means.

Honestly, I'm not very happy about it, though it may be due to the stress of dealing with the Circumstance. I seem to be losing my capacity to truly enjoy my values as of current. Even chocolate disinterests me, though I still take pleasure in eating it. Everything seems kind of gray and I'm not too excited about anything. The very worst part is the jealousy I feel when I read about other people's adventures in cooking and baking, especially when culinary endeavors aren't a driving force in their life. Here I am, one who plans on becoming a professional chef and eventual restaurateur, and everyone else is having a good time with their food while I'm scrimping financially and eating monotonously. Hmph! 

But nobody owes me anything, and I find contemptible that I even experience such emotions. I really need to defeat the Circumstance, otherwise the future may grow bleaker. As a reminder, the Circumstance itself isn't always concretely stressful; it's the way I'm forced to psychologically deal with it that's pressing on my well-being. Concretely and physically, everything's fine -- it's the spiritual issues that are of concern.

I will win in the end, guaranteed. I've been engaged in this Project for about eight to nine months and haven't the slightest intention of giving up. There's simply too much to win. I just have to change my means and wait a little longer for the ultimate end, that's all. It is true that this alternative means won't get me where I desire to be, but it would put me in a much better place, give me the psychological fitness I desire, and allow me to strive towards my true goal with incredibly greater strength.

To give a time estimate, I believe I could get this Project finished in the neighborhood of January-February, and I don't intend on being any more precise than that for the sake of secrecy. It is still an achievable goal to complete this Project before it comes to the one year mark, so that is my least consolation prize.

At the end of this emotional chaos, I have the knowledge I need to avoid getting myself into a similar situation again, though, to be clear, it's not like I got myself into it in the first place; the Circumstance has been present literally my whole life. I've had to deal with it by default, but ousting it and never dealing with it again is voluntary and the necessary life-serving choice. I'll drain myself of my thoughts in that long blog post I've been promising you, emotionally heal -- maybe take up meditation again -- and live my life as if the Circumstance were never present. It is but a frustration I merely have to deal with temporarily, and it never needs to be relevant again. On the other side of my Project, the weight of responsibility is entirely on me.   

1 comment:

  1. I commend you for thinking in such detail about this. When I was 20, I one day suddenly realized that for my long term safety I had to make a certain bold move in my life--but instead of taking a calm, reasoned course, I panicked. I jumped at the first available chance and while I accomplished my stated goal, I set in motion some destructive patterns that I still haven't completely broken free of. I had more chances to fix things once I had made the move, but I didn't see them, again because I didn't research, introspect, or make well thought out plans.

    Now that I'm trying to bootstrap my life for the second time, I'm constantly tempted to make that same mistake again, out of impatience and self doubt. It's grounding to have an example of a more rational thought process, thanks.


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