Tuesday, November 16, 2010

A Return to Clarity

As noted yesterday, I think the essential reason why I became so mentally obsessed with the Circumstance is because it had the status of an unsolvable problem in my subconscious, so I was constantly inwardly encouraged to think about and "solve" it, which can't be done except through the Project. Thus a whole lot of frustration and distraction. However, I've noticed that ever since I've committed myself to finishing the Project through the means that would get it done earlier that my mind has been cleared and contentment is returning.

This is an awesome feeling, to be able to think clearly again. Thinking previously was a struggle since I was always trying to suppress the urge to contemplate the Circumstance. Now I look towards life's difficulties with a more pleasurable outlook and feel a strengthened resolve to take control of things. I think I can make it so no problem bothers me ever again as significantly as the Circumstance has, so long as I can take steps and make progress towards an endpoint. It's the stagnating helplessly in one spot that's so horrible.

There might be a slight negative side-effect to this return to contentment, however. While it is positive on my side, I seem to be losing the will to contemplate and talk about the Circumstance. That might make writing the explanatory blog post I've been promising a little bit more difficult. Even though I'm still affected by the Circumstance, nowadays I'm more concerned with contemplating the end of my Project and life on the other side of it, not the negative things that drove me to it. In regards to my sense of life this is great since I'm not concentrating on the bad or insignificant things in life, but I still think it's important that I talk about the Circumstance after my Project so that I can provide intellectual guidance for those who are also affected by similar situations, since I think my own experience is actually very common and hurting a lot of people. I've always been trying to solve the Circumstance, but it took me many miserable months to discover what the best solution is. I don't want people to have to go through the fruitless trial and error that I did considering the time could be better spent pursuing other, worthwhile values.  

It might be best that I actually start constructing drafts of the blog post I've been promising a few months in advance, so that I still have the motive to talk about the Circumstance. After the Circumstance ceases being an issue I want to do as little thinking about it as possible, or none if I can. All the hours and hours I've spent thinking about it did bear intellectual fruit, but very little of that fruit is actually worth keeping, and I could have spent the time picking at other trees of knowledge. Some of this fruit may have worth in defending my position as to why I'm making the choices I am, but for the practical concern of acting it does little to help. I've learned what I've needed to learn, so I think it's nearly time that I move on and discard the Circumstance from my mental world. While it's still fresh, however, the fruits I'm preparing to throw away could help so many others, so while it's not essentially important that I write that long blog post I would like to since, my god, is the Circumstance a crappy thing to have to deal with, especially when you've been dealing with it an entirety of a lifetime as I have. It becomes even more miserable when you become intellectually aware of it, because then you feel an irrepressible urge to want to eliminate it from your life, only to be stuck doing trial and error while that one definitive solution evades you. To learn when to precisely identify when my definite solution is necessary and that the Circumstance becomes hopeless by any other means is priceless. If I learned about the necessity of the Project years ago then I might already have been long finished with it, and would have been much further in my other life's goals.

Though I am questioning the wisdom of my continuing to talk about the Project given how far along I am. It still needs to be a secret, so perhaps it might be in my best interest to keep entirely quiet about it until it's entirely finished. At the very least, I'll strive to talk about it at a very bare minimum, so that I'll be entirely unimpaired in my efforts.

In the meanwhile, I'm certainly enjoying the excited anticipation of being impeded by the Circumstance in just a few short months. There's still work to be done, but thank god that work isn't the pain of idle waiting! 

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